Hazed and Confused

Do you think you can break me?
Make me feel like a horrible, ugly, shadow of my former, confident self.
You've got another thing coming.

I am superior to you.
Watch as my arrow pierces the heart of your ugly soul.
It flies true fueled by the hatred, never missing its mark.

My pain is mine alone.
You can't hurt me, only I can.

Now I see what this blog has turned into: some horrible archive of this awful time in my life. Why? Because I have absolutely no passion for anything that I used to in life.

So excuse my rants, maybe someday I'll get through this. Or maybe not.

I hate myself

You know, I haven't felt this way in a long time, where I have absolutely no esteem, I'm not happy with any part of myself, and I basically hate myself. Recently though this feeling has come back so congratulations to the people who have made me feel this way. Are you happy? Are you finally happy to see me break, hurt myself, call myself names, cry every day and night because I'm upset.
Call me hideous names to my face in some ironic form of respect that is really hidden mockery. Put me through shit to claim that I'll be better in the end. Why am I not good enough to begin with?

Your stupid trials are unfair and cruel tests designed to see how far you can push a human being before they go over the edge. Well let me tell you now, I'm hanging off of it and I can barely hold on. There are a few people keeping me here right now and maybe the fact that I don't have enough courage right now to disappear.

Don't call me that name. Why? Because I hate it. It's ugly and it sounds horrible. I wouldn't be proud to call myself that. I don't even want to hear it out loud because of it's ugly sound. Why couldn't I have been pretty? Oh, now it makes sense. I'm an ugly person so I deserve an ugly name right? Is this supposed to be some cruel joke?

I guess the question is: Why am I putting myself through this? I don't think I can possibly insult you more than you have insulted me.

Done.

I'll admit, and I'm not being egocentric or selfish here, but I really care about other people. So much so that I often feel responsible for them and what happens to them. So when someone who is practically like a sister to me confides in me her biggest secret, how do I deal with it? I want to make sure she's ok, but keeping it bottled up inside, to myself is 10x harder.  I know I can't break that confidence and trust, but to what point does concern overrrule secrecy?

It's not even my problems that have me concerned, but rather problems of others. I spend so much time caring for others that sometimes I forget to take care of myself.  I think I somehow vicariously take on other peoples' problems.  I want to be there as a resource and a friend, but sometimes it's genuinely hard.

Food tastes awful, I don't want sleep and when I do sleep it's not satisfying. I'm not happy anymore and the things that I'm going through seem awful.
I really am at the lowest point in my life right now. This stupid shit that I'm putting myself through makes me feel like I hate myself. Especially when I'm dealt completely unfair cards. Don't play mind games with me, I'm sick of this shit.

You call me ridiculous crap and expect me to be proud of it and to fall in love with it? Excuse me but I liked the first option. You make me wear ridiculous crap and then tell me what I can and can't do? How is making me feel awful about myself teaching me to be a stronger person. I feel awful, because I look awful and I want to harm myself. You cut me off from all ways I can connect to other people to teach me what... isolation?

I'm already freaking isolated!! Now more than ever I want to go back into my shell and forget about life. I'm depressed and feeling at my worst. Congratulations, you've torn me apart, into fragile little pieces and I may never be able to put myself back together. I want to right myself and pick myself up, but I just don't have the energy.

Philadelphia Museum of Art

Part 1 of my Philadelphia reflection/visitor's guide: The Philadelphia Museum of Art!!

Iconic Rocky statue out front. Be sure to get a pic at this wonderful photo op!

I have only been here twice I think, yet I love the museum even more every time I visit. Check their website, because I think every 2nd Sunday of every month the museum is "pay what you want" (aka free). It's worth paying though even if you can't make it on Sunday. I highly recommend going here as I think I would consider it my favorite art museum in the United States. 

Aside from their amazing collection of paintings, sculptures, and more, the museum is set up with parts of the artwork almost being built into the walls.  This adds to the old atmosphere of the museum and provides wonderful visuals throughout your visit.  On the second floor there is also a collection of tapestries depicting certain events in the life of Alexander the Great. These are worth checking out and listening to the free phone guide that you can call. PLEASE NOTE HOWEVER: The docents will ask you to please hang up if you are making a call anywhere inside the museum as cell phones aren't allowed (except for the phone tour). Cameras are allowed though!

If you return to the museum, beware! Sometimes they switch around their collections so that favorite painting may have been moved to a new location! This can be annoying, yet kind of fun because it forces you to look at new things.

Here are some of my favorite things I have spotted in the museum:
#1 - William Penn Miniature Model
I didn't find the information about the sculptor or anything, but the model was used to build the one on top of City Hall.

#2 - "Spring" by John La Farge (American)

1900 - 1902, Opalescent Glass, Painted Glass, Lead

This is one of the most beautiful stained/painted glass windows I have seen. It's not a window in the museum really, but rather backlit with a light behind it on a wall. It's definitely worth checking out.

#3 - Asian Orb Thing - ???

For some reason due to my inadequate search abilities, I cannot find the name of this orb/metal sculpture work. I think it is Chinese and will continue my search through the library collection to find it. Isn't it so cool though?

#4 - "The Archangel Michael" by Juan Correa the Younger (Mexican)

1739, Oil on Canvas

This is one of my absolute favorite paintings in the museum. There is also another painting by Correa of the Archangel Raphael which is usually in the same room as this one.



#5 -

I love this painting just because there is SOOOO much going on in it. It is so intricately detailed too that you constantly find new things everytime you look at it.

I could keep going, but I think the best advice I can give is to go see the museum for yourself! You won't be disappointed I guarantee it. I think this February they're opening a new exhibit on Van Gogh too which would be worth checking out.

Have any favorite museums or places to go in Philly? Share!!

Stephanie, WWT

Valentine's Day: Happy to be Single!!

Yes. That's right everyone. I'm single and I love life!!Being as this is my last semester of college, I have come to realize that life is so much LESS complicated when you don't have to worry about a boyfriend.  You can go out, dance, meet new people, and have fun without being restrained by a relationship. Now, in no way am I saying that being in a relationship is awful. Actually, most of my friends have boyfriends, which I admit, can be awkward when you're the only single gal there, but it also comes with a sense of independence and freedom.  Who says girls and guys can't be friends??

I used to worry about never being able to find a guy and thought dating was super awkward (well, it still is :P). Now, I am thoroughly enjoying being single. I shouldn't HATE Valentine's Day - I don't have to worry about buying a significant other a gift!! Life is sooo much easier. More chocolate for me!!!

So to everyone out there with a special someone to celebrate with - have fun and remember to tell not only your bf/gf how much you love them, but also your family, friends, and everyone who supports you. 

We can show our love for everyone we appreciate in our lives, not just our romantic partners.

To all my single ladies out there, go out with the girls and celebrate your freedom. Maybe you will meet some single guys too ;)

Happy Valentine's Day to all!!!

Spread the            LO
                 VE

Stephanie, WWT

Bryn Mawr: Checklist

If anyone lives on or near the main line, you will know that Villanova is right next door to Bryn Mawr, despite the existence of Rosemont in between the two. Maybe you don't even know what the "main line" is, but that's ok! I didn't either before I started attending college here.

Anyway, my main point: There is a checklist for Bryn Mawr that I must accomplish before the year is over!!

1. Go study at Milkboy coffee. Seriously, this place always looks like the most awesome place to just take your computer and get some major studying done.

2. See a movie at the Bryn Mawr Film Institute.

3. Go to one of the Irish pubs. Haven't done this yeat cause I just turned 21 last month :P

As a side note: Today I had the most amazing blueberries the size of grapes. NO JOKE, they were HUGE!! But, as I started eating them I noticed one was slightly deformed. Like, you know the little spikes they have on top? It had one growing out of the side... just one. Then I started noticing that ALL of the blueberries had the same weird deformity. Were my blueberries genetically engineered mutant berries??? :O