Hazed and Confused

Do you think you can break me?
Make me feel like a horrible, ugly, shadow of my former, confident self.
You've got another thing coming.

I am superior to you.
Watch as my arrow pierces the heart of your ugly soul.
It flies true fueled by the hatred, never missing its mark.

My pain is mine alone.
You can't hurt me, only I can.

Now I see what this blog has turned into: some horrible archive of this awful time in my life. Why? Because I have absolutely no passion for anything that I used to in life.

So excuse my rants, maybe someday I'll get through this. Or maybe not.

I hate myself

You know, I haven't felt this way in a long time, where I have absolutely no esteem, I'm not happy with any part of myself, and I basically hate myself. Recently though this feeling has come back so congratulations to the people who have made me feel this way. Are you happy? Are you finally happy to see me break, hurt myself, call myself names, cry every day and night because I'm upset.
Call me hideous names to my face in some ironic form of respect that is really hidden mockery. Put me through shit to claim that I'll be better in the end. Why am I not good enough to begin with?

Your stupid trials are unfair and cruel tests designed to see how far you can push a human being before they go over the edge. Well let me tell you now, I'm hanging off of it and I can barely hold on. There are a few people keeping me here right now and maybe the fact that I don't have enough courage right now to disappear.

Don't call me that name. Why? Because I hate it. It's ugly and it sounds horrible. I wouldn't be proud to call myself that. I don't even want to hear it out loud because of it's ugly sound. Why couldn't I have been pretty? Oh, now it makes sense. I'm an ugly person so I deserve an ugly name right? Is this supposed to be some cruel joke?

I guess the question is: Why am I putting myself through this? I don't think I can possibly insult you more than you have insulted me.

Done.

I'll admit, and I'm not being egocentric or selfish here, but I really care about other people. So much so that I often feel responsible for them and what happens to them. So when someone who is practically like a sister to me confides in me her biggest secret, how do I deal with it? I want to make sure she's ok, but keeping it bottled up inside, to myself is 10x harder.  I know I can't break that confidence and trust, but to what point does concern overrrule secrecy?

It's not even my problems that have me concerned, but rather problems of others. I spend so much time caring for others that sometimes I forget to take care of myself.  I think I somehow vicariously take on other peoples' problems.  I want to be there as a resource and a friend, but sometimes it's genuinely hard.

Food tastes awful, I don't want sleep and when I do sleep it's not satisfying. I'm not happy anymore and the things that I'm going through seem awful.
I really am at the lowest point in my life right now. This stupid shit that I'm putting myself through makes me feel like I hate myself. Especially when I'm dealt completely unfair cards. Don't play mind games with me, I'm sick of this shit.

You call me ridiculous crap and expect me to be proud of it and to fall in love with it? Excuse me but I liked the first option. You make me wear ridiculous crap and then tell me what I can and can't do? How is making me feel awful about myself teaching me to be a stronger person. I feel awful, because I look awful and I want to harm myself. You cut me off from all ways I can connect to other people to teach me what... isolation?

I'm already freaking isolated!! Now more than ever I want to go back into my shell and forget about life. I'm depressed and feeling at my worst. Congratulations, you've torn me apart, into fragile little pieces and I may never be able to put myself back together. I want to right myself and pick myself up, but I just don't have the energy.