Many of us can think of a time when we have felt lonely in our lives. Whether you are ten years old or fifty years old, the feeling never gets any easier. It may be for only a minute or two, or it may last for years. It seems to me that we reach points in our lives that seem as if we've taken a step backwards. Why do you ask is a twenty year old college student writing about loneliness? What does she know! On the contrary, I've felt alone now for two years. And don't start accusing me of being dramatic just yet! I realize that my family loves me, but it's hard to be all the way across the country from the people who care about you the most.
Sure it was completely my decision to make the move to Pennsylvania to go to college, but I thought I would get a fresh start, which I did. It just didn't last...
My freshman year in college is what you might call typical of a college student nowadays. I quickly made friends in my dorm, friends from orientation, and friends of other friends. I was having fun every weekend and partying (yes I am guilty). Initially I started out with a group of about seven friends, but as others joined fraternities and sororities, our small group dwindled, which, I was actually quite happy about. It brought me closer to the two guy-friends that I spent my entire year with. We were best friends, did everything together, even had movie nights every week. So why do I never talk to them anymore? I ask myself if our falling out after freshman year could have been prevented, but now I realize it was caused by a variety of things mainly, lack of communication, which frustrated me to no end.
Sophomore year changed. It didn't feel like it used to feel. It began with me becoming angry that they were late over thirty minutes for lunch. It honestly wouldn't have bothered me if they had responded to my calls, texts, or messages, but when they finally showed up, a half hour later, they acted like nothing was wrong. It was no big deal and it was my job as a good friend to wait for them. I guess after that, we really didn't hang out anymore. My sophomore year was filled with empty weekends and me pondering how it all changed so quickly. Sure, I was still involved in a community service co-ed fraternity and played ice hockey on a club team, but I had really considered those two guys my friends. Now what would I do? A fellow player on my team assured me that I was just going through a Sophomore Slump. That this happened to her when she was in my year and it is completely normal. This gave me the slightest bit of reassurance.
I realized that I couldn't pick up the pieces of our old relationships and began to do things for me. I know how cheesy that sounds right? But it's true. I felt more confident and independent that I could do things completely on my own. I took trips to Washington D.C. and Philadelphia by myself, something that my mother wasn't too fond of, but I did it anyway and I enjoyed it. Despite feeling that my life had changed for the worst, I knew I was still growing and learning as a person.
Now I sit here, in my dining hall, writing alone, blogging to no one about my lonely life. Sounds a little emo doesn't it? I'm not asking for pity or sympathy, simply trying to understand my life. My junior year has been filled with much the same: lonely weekends, and meals alone. The one thing that I want to slap myself for however is attempting once again to rekindle the dead friendship. Yes, I am guilty of being desperate. In the first week of school I asked if either one of my "ex-friends" wanted to have dinner. One completely blew me off like a piece of lint, the other obliged, but brought along his friend (for company? I don't even know). Needless to say it was awkward and uncomfortable, and it is something that never happened again. My efforts to keep the friendship alive were never reciprocated.
I feel as if loneliness hits us all, and at the worst possible times. I realized last night, talking to my mom that if I died in my room, no one would find me for a month. She laughed and joked that I was lucky to have all of these friends. I asked her, what friends? Sure, I know people's faces and names, but that's all they remain to me are acquaintances. They are people who you can talk to about some common bond like class or sports, but at the end of the day, the most you would ever get out of them might be lunch, if they don't have any other plans. They aren't people you can call and talk to if you need to, and you wouldn't hang out with them. I remain involved in my activities still and am planning a sightseeing trip to New York, but I do wish for friends to break this monotony of everyday life. I feel as if others see me now and feel sorry for me, which I don't want them to.
You can be lonely, but still be strong. That's what I try to tell myself. I am the strongest most independent person I have ever been in all my twenty years of living... and I am alone.
Stephanie, WWT
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